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Don’t give advice

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We frequently find ourselves listening to other people’s problems. Sometimes they are people we are close to, and sometimes they are complete strangers. It is tempting to give them advice, especially when the solution to their problem seems so obvious. Resist the urge to give advice.

People generally do not want your advice. They just want to be heard. Even if they ask for your advice, it’s likely that they are just hoping you are going to tell them what they want to hear. They probably already know what they’re going to do, whether they’ve admitted it to themselves or not.

If you give them advice that wasn’t what they were already planning to do, they’re just going to disregard it, and they might even take offense and feel like you’re telling them that they are wrong.

If they come right out and ask you what you think they should do, the best practice is to act like a therapist and turn the question back to them. “What do you think you should do?” You will add a lot more value to their life by listening to them, and asking them questions so they can explore their own feelings and arrive at a conclusion that feels right to them.

How you do anything

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How you do anything is how you do everything. I heard this quote from the former Kent State football coach, who used it as a mantra for his team. This team ended up having the highest GPA of any KSU football team, ever.

You can’t expect to be great in one part of your life, while being a slacker in other parts of it. The type of effort and commitment that you choose to put into the things that you do is your choice, every day. You can choose to work hard and do your best, or you can choose to look for shortcuts or avoid putting in the hard work. And it just isn’t realistic to think that you can work super hard in certain areas while totally slacking off in other areas.

So when you’re feeling unmotivated, or like you would rather be slacking off, think about the kind of person you want to be in general. Make that choice, and then apply it right now. Be the best version of yourself when you don’t really feel like it, and you’ll find it easier to be the best version of yourself all of the time.

We are all leaders

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I was listening to an interview with the historian Jon Meacham, and he said “in a republic, we are all leaders.” I think this is such an important thing to remember. It’s really easy to look to our elected officials and defer to their authority or leadership, but each of us is a leader too.

What you choose to say, or not to say, as a witness to hostility, or racism, or misogyny, sets a tone for the people around you. Having had a president who set an example of treating people terribly, it is even more important for the rest of us to remember that we are leaders too, and that we can set a positive tone to help counteract the negative tone.

For sure, each of us doesn’t have the platform that any elected official has, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t still have power. Remember that you are a leader, whether you realize it or not. People have a natural inclination to be led. Where will you lead them?

We don’t come from the same place

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It’s human nature to look at other peoples’ lives through the lens of our own life. But it’s important to remember that we don’t all come from the same place.

Siblings growing up together in the same house will have different memories, and different things that are important or meaningful to them. Now imagine the difference for someone growing up on the next block, or on the other side of town, or in another town, in another socio-economic circumstance.

The fact is, you just can’t know where anyone else is coming from, just like they don’t know where you’re coming from. So before you judge someone too harshly, remember that you didn’t come from the same place that they came from, and there is no way that you can know what they’ve been through.

Mourn your losses

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Life involves loss and disappointment, and those events can leave a lasting effect on you. Sometimes you don’t even realize how much something hurt until later when you get triggered and have an emotional reaction out of proportion to what just happened.

When you go through a breakup, or a job loss, or some other sad event, give yourself permission to mourn the loss. I’m afraid we only associate mourning with the death of a loved one, but it applies to so much more than that. Giving yourself the mental space to mourn a loss lets you process it, and work through your emotions about it. And that allows you to move on from it.

You aren’t going to forget that it happened, but you can move past the strong emotions about it so it won’t interfere with you later in life. We carry all the scars of everything that happens to us, but carrying the scars doesn’t mean we need to allow them to dictate how we live now.

Take the time to mourn your losses, then when you’re ready, move on with that chapter in your life closed behind you.

The last word

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I was listening to an interview with NBA referee Marc Davis, and he said something that really stuck with me; “As long as you have the final say, give up the last word.”

This is great advice for parents, teachers, and bosses. It’s so easy to overuse or abuse the power that you have over other people. But if you truly have the final say, as parents, teachers, and bosses do, sometimes it’s better to just let the other person have the last word, even if it isn’t appropriate, or they’re wrong, because really what’s the point of getting into it? You can have the last word, but sour the relationship in the process. And where will that get you?

Follow your bliss?

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Who hasn’t heard that you should “follow your bliss” or “do something you love and you’ll never work another day in your life?” As nice as these sentiments sound, I think they are terrible advice.

The vast majority of jobs out there are not anyone’s dream job, so does that mean that only a small percentage of people get to be happy going to work, and everyone else spends their career being miserable? That sounds like a terrible deal to me.

How about, instead of finding your dream job, you find the bliss in the job that you have. No matter what you do for work, you can find the positives in it. And if there really aren’t positives, then definitely do something else.

Window cleaning isn’t a dream job, but I get to use it as a platform to make the world a better place by trying to have a positive impact on everyone we come into contact with. And that turns it into a dream job, because who doesn’t feel good at the end of the day about making the world a better place?

If you can find your dream job, count your blessings among the lucky few. For everyone else, find the part of your job that makes you happy and enjoy that.

How to break up

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As I have said before, all relationships change, and most of them end. Some relationships just reach a natural conclusion. Lots of relationships are based on proximity, and when someone moves, or gets a new job, or goes to a new school, the relationship just ends.

But sometimes you have to end it. Sometimes you have to break up with someone. This is never and easy thing, but it doesn’t have to be a catastrophe either.

Grandma may have told you that honesty is always the best policy, but that is rarely the truth. Honesty can be hurtful. The key is to find the right mix of honesty and omission, so that you can tell the truth while not being hurtful to the other person.

It’s actually a lot easier to break up if there is an obvious problem in the relationship. But more often than not, there isn’t some bold headline problem, so it can make it harder. This is especially true if the other person doesn’t want the relationship to end. So what do you do?

First, be straightforward. Start off by saying that you are ending the relationship. Once emotions start going, the message can get lost, and the other person needs to know from the start exactly what is happening.

Second, pick one sentence and stick to it. Don’t give a laundry list of grievances. Don’t introduce new reasons. You’re not here for a debate; you’re here to end things. The more reasons you give, the more you’re asking for a long, drawn out ordeal.

Third, the other person doesn’t actually have to understand or accept it. It’s best if they do, but that is not a requirement. You can offer clarification on your one sentence reason for ending things, but you don’t owe them any more than you are comfortable sharing. Say what you need to say, then say goodbye.

What about in person, by phone, by text? I think that this changes depending on how serious the relationship is. If you have been in an exclusive relationship with someone, you owe the other person enough respect to do it in person. If it’s a friendship, or short term, or casual relationship, then doing it over the phone can be okay. Having any serious conversation over text is generally a terrible idea. Texting is not an effective medium for conversations that are emotionally charged.

Chances are you will feel bad after you break up with someone. This is okay. Unless you’re a sociopath, you empathize with others’ feelings, and you know that the other person is now feeling bad. Give yourself permission to grieve the end of the relationship.

Finally, think about what you can learn from this relationship. Is there something that you would have done differently if you could do it again? Do you feel like you should have ended it sooner? Everything in life can be a learning experience, and this would be a waste if you didn’t learn anything from it. Each relationship is a building block for the next one, so you can keep getting healthier and your relationships can keep getting better.

You don’t have to

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From the time we are small children, we constantly hear about what we have to do. You have to be nice to your sister, you have to eat your vegetables, you have to work hard.

But the truth is, you don’t have to do any of those things. You can be mean to your sister, you can eat nothing but chips, and you can be lazy. Of course, every choice in life comes with a consequence, either positive or negative. Being mean to people will result in them not liking you. Poor eating choices lead to health problems.

When you feel overwhelmed, or stressed, think about what you actually “need” to do, and what you are choosing to do. If you are nice to your sister, and eat healthy, and work hard because you are choosing those as a path for your life, it will feel like less of a burden, and more of a choice you are making for yourself.

And if you really are making choices based on what you believe you “need” to do, take a step back and decide if that is really the best path for you. Changing your path in life is hard, but it’s better than staying on the wrong path.

Change your view

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You know when you’re studying, or reading, or doing a puzzle, and your brain kind of stops working? It’s time to change your field of vision.

If you can, stand up and go outside and look as far away as you can. If you can’t do that, look out a window. Find somewhere to focus your view that’s far away for 30 seconds or a minute.

When you look back at your work, I bet you’ll find your brain is working again. Do this whenever you find your thoughts slowing down.