Category Archives: Relationships

How do you know they’re the one?

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A younger friend asked me the other day how do you know when you’ve me the one for you.  Specifically, she wanted to know how I knew that Leah was the one for me.

First, I think that a lot of times it is easier to know who isn’t the one than who is.  If you ever have to justify someone’s bad behavior to yourself, then that is not the right person for you.   For instance, if you are saying “I know he yells at me, but he really cares about me.”  If a person makes you feeling bad more than they make you feel good, then that is not the right person for you.  We all have conflicts in our relationships, but when it’s over, it should be resolved and you should feel that the relationship is better, and stronger, because of it.  If your conflicts just leave you feeling bad and nothing good comes from them, it’s time to move on.

Before Leah and I were dating, we were having a conversation where I said that relationships are a lot of work. She disagreed with me, and felt that if two people are right for each other, then it shouldn’t be a lot of work to make the relationship work.  Several years later, as we were working through normal conflicts, she told me that she understood what I meant.  We were both working hard, and we still are, to make our relationship as strong and as successful as possible.

When Leah and I were first dating, she was very jealous whenever I would talk to any other woman.  The jealousy came up in a number of different ways, and it was very troubling to me every time.  I explained to Leah how much it bothered me, and I asked her to please stop.  She listened to what I had to say, and she stopped.  That was the moment that I knew I had found someone special.

The willingness to listen to your partner, and adjust your behavior for the betterment of the relationship, is one of the most important aspects of working for the success of the relationship.  In order for any relationship to be successful, both people must be willing to listen, and to do the work.  One person cannot carry a relationship alone, no matter how hard they are willing to work.  I learned that in my first marriage.

There are a lot of things that a relationship needs in order to be healthy.  For me, this was the first sign that I had that I had found someone good.

Be careful about labels

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Can any of us be defined in a single word?  Bitch, Gay, Asshole, Dumb, Slut, Jock, Nerd.  It’s easy to reduce someone to a single characteristic, but we are all so much more than one word can ever communicate.

Especially when someone is doing things that we find frustrating or bothersome, it is easy to put a label on them.  If a girl is being mean to you, she’s a “bitch.”  People are so complex, and we are all influenced by so many factors that affect how we interact with others.  There may be people out there who are just plain mean, bad people, but most of the time, there is a lot more going on than what you can see.

Think about it this way.  Think about how you come across to others when you’re not on your best behavior.  Maybe you had a bad night and morning at home.  Maybe you’re stressed about a test that you didn’t do well on.  Maybe your friends are being doing things that are stressing you out.  If someone labels you based on that behavior, is it accurate?

Now think about this.  Many people’s lives are not like yours.  What if every evening at home was bad?  What if every morning at home was bad too?  What if you were struggling in your classes and didn’t have anyone who you felt could help you?  How would you come across to others?  Would people label you as dumb?  As a loser?  As a bitch?  Maybe as a slut?  Would those labels be true.

Our society has become much more accepting of homosexuals, but we still view them in their own separate category.  They’re “gay.”  By using this label, we make sure that we are defining them as being different from us.  But isn’t everyone different from us in their own ways?  Do we need to have a label to define that difference?

If you are striving to be understanding of others, then you shouldn’t feel the need to put labels on anyone, just as you don’t want to have labels put on you.  If we were all more willing to accept each other for our differences, wouldn’t the world be a better place?