Why does it feel good to criticize others?  We’ve all done it.  We say something critical of someone else, whether it’s true or not, and for a moment it actually makes us feel kind of good.

By criticizing others, we are trying to not look at ourselves.  Frequently, the things that we are most critical of in others are the things that we know are flaws in ourselves.  And by pointing out someone else’s failings, we can pretend for a moment that we are better than them.  We feel powerful.

But the problem is, that good feeling doesn’t last, because is isn’t real.  We still know what our own flaws are, and temporarily feeding out ego by pointing out others’ flaws only gives a temporary benefit.  Do you know what actually makes you feel good, in a real and lasting way?  When you compliment someone else.

So the next time you find yourself thinking a critical thought about someone, stop for a moment and think about yourself.  Are you actually criticizing a flaw in yourself?  Now, instead of saying the critical thing, find something positive about that person, and say it to them instead.  You’ll feel better, and so will they.

How are you supposed to be okay when someone who is supposed to love you does things that are hurtful to you?  We expect certain things from the people in our lives, but sometimes they don’t live up to those expectations.  Sometimes, they fall so short of those expectations that it causes us pain.

Just because someone tells you that they love you doesn’t mean they won’t hurt you.  But just like anyone else doing hurtful things to you, it really isn’t about you.  It’s about them.  Shouldn’t they be able to think about your feelings, since they love you?  You would think so, wouldn’t you?  Yet somehow, they don’t.

When a parent hurts a child, when a partner cheats on someone they love, when anyone does a hurtful thing to someone who they say they love, that person is acting out of their own place of pain.  Does it mean they don’t love you?  No.  Does it mean that even though they love you, they will hurt you again?  Yes.

So what can you do?  How can you protect yourself from the hurt?  The best solution is to put as much distance between yourself and the person who is hurting you as possible.  If it isn’t possible to put physical distance between you, you can work on creating emotional distance.  The less you need someone, the less they can hurt you.

The other thing you can do is to realize that it really doesn’t have anything to do with you.  This is so hard to remember when you’re feeling the pain, because you are the one feeling the pain, so how can it not be about you?  But it really isn’t.  It really doesn’t have anything to do with you.  Their behavior is so self-involved that you don’t even factor into the thought process.  Maybe they’ll feel bad about it later, or maybe they won’t, but either way, it isn’t about you; it’s about them.

You need to know that you cannot change this person.  If they ever do change, which is unlikely, they will do so because they choose to.  This is not a choice that you can make for them.  People do what is in their nature, and if it’s in their nature to hurt you, then that is what they will do.

So many of us have been hurt by people while they tell us that they love us.  That is such a hard pain to get over.  In many ways, it’s worse than being hurt by a stranger.  But it has happened before, and it will happen again, and since you can’t change it, the only thing you can do is learn how to protect yourself emotionally from it.  This is one area where I believe strongly in getting professional help.  This type of hurt can be too hard to deal with on your own.  Work on it yourself, but get outside help if you need it.  It isn’t healthy to carry this pain around with you for the rest of your life.