Make the harder choice

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One of my two main rules for life is that the harder choice is usually the right choice.  You don’t get where you want to be in life by taking the easy path.

Every day we are faced with choices to make.  Many of them are trivial, and really don’t matter very much.  But some of them are important.  Some of them seem trivial at the time, but later you realize that they were actually important.  When it comes to making the right choice, it’s almost always the harder one.

This is the way things should be.  Why should someone making easy choices get rewarded for them?  This is true for all aspects of life.  You don’t get a great body by choosing to eat junk food and playing video games instead of exercising.  You don’t get true life-long friends by neglecting them when they need your help.

Your whole life is made up of choices.  Some are just about you, and some are about your relationships with others.  But no matter what they’re about, the harder choice is almost always the right choice for your life.

Emotions 1, Logic 0

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You can’t use reason to get out of this one.  Whatever “this one” is, your emotions win the battle.  I like to think of us as having two minds; an emotional mind and a rational mind.  We all think of things in two ways; from a purely emotional point of view, as well as a logical, reasoned point of view.  We think of all the good, rational reasons that we should feel a certain way, and then we frequently do the exact opposite.

In the battle of your rational mind versus your emotional mind, emotions win.  Think of it this way.  Think of one thing that you are afraid of; spiders, the dark, heights, asking someone on a date.  When you think about it logically, it doesn’t really make sense to be afraid.  Most spiders are harmless, the only real danger in the dark is that you’ll stub your toe, there isn’t any real danger of looking out the 24th floor window, and the worst that happens when you ask someone out is that they say no.  So now you’re not afraid any more, right?  Of course you are, because fear is an emotional response, and emotions win over logic.

So is there a solution?  Maybe yes, maybe no.  The best way to re-shape emotions is through conditioning; you face your fear, so you’re no longer afraid.  I’ve been afraid of water my whole life.  I took a scuba diving course, I practiced until I could swim a mile, and I’m still somewhat uncomfortable in water.  But, now I can swim across the lake and not be afraid.  I’m not going to promise you that it will always work, but I do believe that facing your fears is nearly always a better option than hiding from them and continuing to be afraid.  At least if you face them, you can tell yourself that you really tried.

Sometimes you’re just going to have to tell your emotional mind that while you value its opinion, you’re going to do something else this time.  You force your rational mind to call the shots for a little while.  This is not an easy thing to do, but as usual, the harder choice is the right choice.

Accept that your emotions have value, but they can also hold you back.  Sometimes you have to rely on some logic and reason to push your way through and get what you want.  Try it the next time you feel your fear holding you back from something.  I think you’ll be surprised at how strong you can be.

How we got Toby

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My brothers and I wanted a dog.  I mean, what little boys don’t want a dog?  Of course, our dad, being angry at everything, insisted that there was no way we were ever going to get a dog.  The more we begged, the more insistent he became.

Then one day, dad was driving home from work, down a long stretch state route.  It was a busy road, and carried a lot of truck traffic, as it ran parallel to the interstate.  He passed a pull-off area where truckers would park overnight, and he saw a small black puppy by the side of the road.

As he drove on, he thought about how bad he would feel if he drove by the next day and saw the puppy dead on the road, so he turned around, intending to pick up the puppy and drop him off at the shelter on his way home.  When he got back to the pull-off, and got out of the car, he saw that the puppy was sitting on a plastic garbage  bag, that he had appeared to have clawed his way out of.

Dad stepped back from the open car door, and told the puppy that he could get in if he wanted to.  He trotted over and climbed onto the front seat, and dad got back in and started driving.  This being 1980, the car had a bench seat, and as dad drove, the puppy crawled across the front seat until his little furry head was resting on dad’s leg.  When he looked down into those dark brown eyes looking up at him, his heart melted.

When dad got home from work that day, he pulled the car into the driveway, but he didn’t get out.  Finally, mom went out to see why he was just sitting in the driveway.  After how emphatic he had been that we were never getting a dog, he was trying to figure out how to explain to us that he had changed his mind.  Of course, we didn’t care about his reasons at all.  We were thrilled to have a dog, however it came to us.

We named him Toby.  Well, technically his name was Toby-Wan Kenobi.  Did I mention that this was 1980?  The Empire Strikes Back had just come out, and he was our little Jedi puppy.  He was a spaniel mix, and grew to about 35 pounds.  He was with us for 14 years, and was the best dog a family could have asked for.

What is Power?

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What is power?  My International Relations professor in college told us that it is the ability to get someone else to do what you want.  I think that this is partially complete  It is also your ability to resist someone else who is trying to get you to do what they want.

We all have power.  Some of us are more aware of it than others, and some of us are much better at using it.  Just because you don’t feel your own power doesn’t mean that it isn’t there.  You just need some practice using it.

We are all under pressure from others to do what they want us to do.  From the time we are small children deciding what game to play, to professionals in the workplace dividing up the responsibilities, people use their power to get what they want.  Do you find it hard to say ‘no?’  Do you find it hard to ask someone to do something, or to do more than what they were doing?  It may be time to find your power.

It’s important to be fair, and to be able to work, and play, collaboratively with others.  But what about when the others aren’t being fair or co-operative?  You have to power in you to stand up for what’s right.  You have the power to tell a friend or teammate to pull more weight.  Are you afraid they will be mad at you?  That is a reasonable concern, because they might get mad.  But does that really matter?  Who are you trying to please, and why?  If you know what is right, then you are allowed to stand up for it, even if that means that someone else may get mad at you.

You need to stay true to yourself, and in order to do this, you need to find your power.  When you cave in, you give up your power to another person, and you lose a little of yourself.  When you stand up for what is right, and you exercise your power, you get even stronger.  You can do this in a way that is still kind and considerate.  You don’t need to turn it into a confrontation.  And if the other person insists on making into something bigger than it is, that is their choice.  Is this hard?  Absolutely.  Is it worth it?  Without a doubt.

Find your power.  Picture yourself standing up for what is right.  Exercise that power, and see how good you feel when you do.

Be “businesslike”

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Conflict is inevitable in life.  Things are going to go wrong.  People are going to have disagreements.  How can we keep these little problems from turning into big problems?  When you speak, be businesslike.

I use this rule to be a good dad, a good dog trainer, a good manager, and a good friend.  Think about how you might sound when you’re upset with a friend, or annoyed at a coworker, or mad at the dog.  Chances are, you will sound like you’re upset or emotional.  And when you talk to someone in an upset or emotional tone, usually they will respond by escalating the level of emotion, and the situation goes from bad to worse in a hurry.

Instead of expressing your emotional state, what would happen if you said what you had to say in a calm, rational, businesslike way?  Probably the other person will also respond in a calm, rational way.  Notice I said probably.  There is nothing you can do to prevent someone from being emotional or irrational if that is what they choose.  But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.

Think about this the next time you’re in a situation where you have to talk with someone about something that you’re not happy about.  Before you start to speak, try to calm yourself, and focus on really listening to how you’re coming across to the other person.  Do everything you can to be as businesslike as possible, and see if it helps the level of communication.  It takes some extra work to do it, but I think it’s worth not having the extra drama in my life.

People don’t change

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Think of everyone you know who has really changed who they are.  How short it your list?  Mine is 1, and he fell off a roof, rode in a helicopter, and spent 9 months suffering from blinding headaches in order to inspire his change.

It’s not that people can’t change, it’s just that they usually don’t.  Making a real, substantial change in yourself requires a lot of work.  First, it requires that you accept responsibility for your own life.  Most people won’t do this.  Then, it requires that you identify a major element of your personality that is not mentally healthy for you, and decide how you want it to be.  Then you must, every day, work to break the habits that you have created.  All of this takes a lot of effort, and a strong commitment to really work at it every day.

When someone in your life has been selfish, or insensitive, or otherwise hurtful to you for an extended period of time, it is normal to hope that they will change.  We tell ourselves that because someone loves us, they will treat us better.  They won’t.  They will continue to be the person that they have always been, and will continue do the things that have hurt you.  It is totally unrealistic for you to think that tomorrow they will be any different than they were yesterday.  You can want it, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.

So what can you do?  First, you must accept that this person is the way they are, and will remain that way.  Then you have to choose what you’re going to do about it.  You can choose to remove that person from your life.  If it’s a friend, or someone you’re dating, this can be relatively simple.  If it’s a family member, then it gets a lot more complicated.  Is it possible to limit the amount of interaction you have with them, or to limit the interactions to areas where you can’t be hurt or let down by their actions?

Once you’ve accepted that you cannot change someone else, and that they will not change for you, then it is all up to you to choose how you’re going to handle the situation.  This is your life.  Choose what you want from it, and who you want to be a part of it.

What will you stand up for?

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Nelson Mandela died this week.  He was truly an amazing man.  He was willing to fight apartheid in his native South Africa, and he felt strongly enough about this cause that he was willing to die for it.  Instead of killing him, the white government sent him to prison for 18 years.  When he finally got out, he resumed working toward the cause of a free, equal South Africa.

Each of us is regularly faced with small wrongs.  Hopefully, you will never be faced with an atrocity like apartheid, and hopefully you will never have to choose if a cause is worth dying for.  But, on a much smaller scale, we face similar choices almost every day.  When someone is being mean to another person, do you have the courage to tell them that what they’re doing is wrong?  Are you willing to risk people not liking you if you do what you know is right?

What about when people do bad things to you?  Whether it’s a teacher, your mom, or a kid at school, are you willing to stand up for yourself and your rights?  Are you willing to take the risk of a consequence for standing up for yourself?  If not; why not?  What are you afraid of?  In the long-term look at life, what will matter to you more; taking the consequence of doing the right thing, or living with the knowledge that you didn’t take any action when you knew in your heart that it was the right thing to do?

It’s hard to do the right thing.  I’m not saying it’s easy.  I know exactly how hard it is.  But, as I say a lot; the right choice is almost always the harder choice.  The next time you’re faced with someone doing something bad, whether they’re doing it to you or to someone else, will you have the courage to stand up for what’s right?  Are you willing to take the consequences of your actions?  What will you stand up for?

No one can make you mad

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Whether you like it or not, you own your emotions.  It’s so easy to say “she made me mad,” but it isn’t accurate.  People do things to us, and then we get to choose how we react to those things.

Most people will blame others for their own emotions, because it’s much easier this way.  If I blame you for how I feel, then I don’t have to take any responsibility to make myself feel better.  But as soon as I accept that my emotions belong to me, and I get to choose how I feel, then all of the responsibility is on me.  And once you know this, it makes it harder to going back to blaming others for your emotions.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be mad if someone does something bad or hurtful to you.  It’s okay to get mad.  It’s okay to have an emotional reaction.  We are emotional beings.  But, once you get past the emotional reaction, then it’s time to evaluate your feelings, and decide for yourself how you’re going to handle the situation.  Most importantly, once you get past the emotional reaction, that’s when it’s time to choose your own emotions, and take responsibility for them.

There will always be people in your life doing things, or saying things, that are hurtful to you.  How you feel when these things happen is up to you.

How do you know they’re the one?

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A younger friend asked me the other day how do you know when you’ve me the one for you.  Specifically, she wanted to know how I knew that Leah was the one for me.

First, I think that a lot of times it is easier to know who isn’t the one than who is.  If you ever have to justify someone’s bad behavior to yourself, then that is not the right person for you.   For instance, if you are saying “I know he yells at me, but he really cares about me.”  If a person makes you feeling bad more than they make you feel good, then that is not the right person for you.  We all have conflicts in our relationships, but when it’s over, it should be resolved and you should feel that the relationship is better, and stronger, because of it.  If your conflicts just leave you feeling bad and nothing good comes from them, it’s time to move on.

Before Leah and I were dating, we were having a conversation where I said that relationships are a lot of work. She disagreed with me, and felt that if two people are right for each other, then it shouldn’t be a lot of work to make the relationship work.  Several years later, as we were working through normal conflicts, she told me that she understood what I meant.  We were both working hard, and we still are, to make our relationship as strong and as successful as possible.

When Leah and I were first dating, she was very jealous whenever I would talk to any other woman.  The jealousy came up in a number of different ways, and it was very troubling to me every time.  I explained to Leah how much it bothered me, and I asked her to please stop.  She listened to what I had to say, and she stopped.  That was the moment that I knew I had found someone special.

The willingness to listen to your partner, and adjust your behavior for the betterment of the relationship, is one of the most important aspects of working for the success of the relationship.  In order for any relationship to be successful, both people must be willing to listen, and to do the work.  One person cannot carry a relationship alone, no matter how hard they are willing to work.  I learned that in my first marriage.

There are a lot of things that a relationship needs in order to be healthy.  For me, this was the first sign that I had that I had found someone good.

Live life on purpose

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If I had to sum up my entire philosophy on life in a single point, it would be this:  Live life on purpose.  This life is yours, and you can do whatever you want with it, so why should you waste it going through the motions and wasting your time.  Live your life on purpose.

I made a decision early in my life that I was not going to wake up one day at 50 or 60 years old and wonder where my life went, and why it didn’t look the way I used to hope it would.  I decided that the only way to achieve this goal was to live my life on purpose; to make the decisions in my life based on whether or not they fit into what I wanted my life to look like long term.

In my twenties, I was in a job that didn’t allow me to see my baby daughter, so I quit that job and started a business, which I designed in such a way as to give me family time.  I realized that having television in my life did not actually contribute to the quality of my life, so I got rid of tv.  In my thirties, I faced the difficult truth that my marriage was not, had never been, and was never going to be fulfilling.  I went through the long and difficult process of divorce.

Every day we are faced with decisions.  Some of them are small, but some are significant.  Sometimes we can tell the big ones when they happen, but sometimes you can’t tell that a decision you made was life-altering until years later.  For this reason, I believe that every decision you make in life has to be made with the end in mind.  What kind of person do you want to be?  What really matters to you in life?  What do you want your life to look like long-term?  All of these should factor into the choices that you make.

Don’t go through the motions of your life.   Don’t wait for other people to make things happen for you.  Don’t live out the dreams of someone else.  This is your life.  Make it the life that you want it to be.  Live it on purpose.