Silver Linings

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The other day, someone said my middle name should be “Silver Linings.”  Every time he brought up a situation, I pointed out something positive about it.  I saw the silver lining.

This is a choice that each of us can make every day.  With almost any situation, something positive can be learned, or some positive experience can be taken away, but only if you choose to see it that way.  It’s easy to feel bad for yourself when things are hard.  It’s harder to be in a difficult situation and choose to focus on the positive.

We all have bad things happen in our lives.  There is nothing that we can do to control it.  All we can do is choose how we are going to respond to the bad things.  I choose to see the silver lining.

Relationship conflict

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All relationships have conflicts.  It’s complicated dealing with other people.  We all have our own opinions, and our own baggage, so conflicts are inevitable.

Your first conflict with a friend or partner tells you a lot about who that person is.  Some people get defensive, or angry, or make accusations.  It’s best to be patient and empathetic towards other people, but that doesn’t mean that you have to accept any unkind behavior.  You can be understanding without being verbally abused.

Sometimes the first conflict you have with someone is also the last.  If a person is unwilling to be reasonable and have a rational conversation, then there might not be any reason to continue interacting with them.  You need to look out for yourself in any relationship, and make sure that you are getting the treatment that you deserve.

Labels

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It’s very easy to put a label on someone, but is it the right thing to do?  The problem with labeling is that by reducing someone to a single word or phrase, you are overlooking everything else about them as a person.

Is there any single word that can really be used to describe you?  Man, woman, gay, straight, outgoing, shy, athletic, intellectual, thin, fat.  Any of those might apply, but what about everything else?  How can any of us be reduced to a single description?  We’re all far too complex for that kind of simplification.

And it’s even worse than that, because so many descriptions of a person are subjective.  Fat or thin compared to what?  Outgoing or shy compared to whom?  Now you’re not only over-simplifying someone, you’re doing in based on your own opinions of what defines a person’s qualities.

The next time you feel tempted to assign a label to a person, stop and think about who they really are as a person, and whether that label can actually define them.  What are you missing?  Would you want that person to try to define you with a label?

We are all complex, and we should respect that about each other.

You deserve better

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One of my favorite quotes is from Stephen Chbosky’s book, The Perks of Being a Wallflower; “We accept the love we think we deserve.”  The reason that this matters so much is that most of us don’t really believe that we are deserving of better treatment, so we allow people to treat us in a way that isn’t good enough.

Like so many of our problems, this one is frequently passed down from our parents.  If they treated you in a way that was less that what you deserved, then you got used to that treatment, and came to feel that it was acceptable, even though you didn’t like it.  Now, when you’re in your own relationships, you allow people to treat you in a way that is less than you deserve.

So the challenge is; how do you break the cycle?  The first step is to believe that you deserve better treatment from the people in your life.  This will probably involve ending relationships that you are in now, and finding better ones.  You can give people the opportunity to change, but for the most part, people will keep doing what they have been doing.  It doesn’t mean you need to dislike these people.  It doesn’t mean that they are bad people.  It just means that if they aren’t making your life better, then you don’t deserve them in your life.

Find people who make you feel better about yourself.  Find people who challenge you to be a better person.  Find people who think that you deserve the best.  You know why?  Because you do deserve the best.

Celebrities

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What is the fascination that people have with celebrities?  People know more about the lives of famous people they will never meet than they know about the people who they see every day at work and at school.

If you are happy with your life, and focused on taking care of what actually matters, then you have no reason to be interested in celebrities.  The problem is that it’s easier to look outside of ourselves than inside.  Once we look inside, we will see what our flaws are, and then we know that we really should be working on fixing them.  If we keep the focus on others, then we can go on pretending.

Instead of looking at what’s going on in celebrities lives, start with your own life.  If it’s not what you want it to be, look at yourself first and get to work.  You can have any life you want, but it all starts with you.  Watching famous people on tv isn’t doing anything to make your life better.

Toby learned Spanish

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When my mom was training Toby, she went about it the usual way, where you say a command, and give him the treat when he does what you taught him to do.  What she didn’t realize was that she not only said the command, but she also did a hand motion with each command.

Toby picked up on not only the words, but the hand motions as well.  So eventually, you didn’t even have to say the command.  You could just do the motion and he would perform the trick.

When my brother Michael was in high school, he had a project for his Spanish class.  He decided to “teach his dog Spanish.”  All he had to do was learn the Spanish words for sit, shake, lie down, roll over, and play dead.  He took Toby to school with him, gave him all the commands, and did the hand motions.  Of course, everyone was looking at the dog, not at his hands, so it looked like he had actually taught the dog Spanish.  And he got an A.

Criticizing others

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Why does it feel good to criticize others?  We’ve all done it.  We say something critical of someone else, whether it’s true or not, and for a moment it actually makes us feel kind of good.

By criticizing others, we are trying to not look at ourselves.  Frequently, the things that we are most critical of in others are the things that we know are flaws in ourselves.  And by pointing out someone else’s failings, we can pretend for a moment that we are better than them.  We feel powerful.

But the problem is, that good feeling doesn’t last, because is isn’t real.  We still know what our own flaws are, and temporarily feeding out ego by pointing out others’ flaws only gives a temporary benefit.  Do you know what actually makes you feel good, in a real and lasting way?  When you compliment someone else.

So the next time you find yourself thinking a critical thought about someone, stop for a moment and think about yourself.  Are you actually criticizing a flaw in yourself?  Now, instead of saying the critical thing, find something positive about that person, and say it to them instead.  You’ll feel better, and so will they.

Toby and the paper route

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I started delivering newspapers when I was nine years old, and did it until our local paper changed from afternoons to mornings, when I was 14.  Every day after school I would ride my bike and deliver 40-50 papers.  On Sunday mornings, I would deliver about 120 papers, which were about 3 times the size of the weekday papers, with the extra sections, plus all the comics, coupons, and advertisements.  Which meant that I used a wheeled garden cart to haul the papers, and Toby would walk with me.

Toby never needed to be on a leash.  He always stayed close by.  When I went into apartment buildings, he would wait for me by the door.  And he was so smart that he learned the route.  He knew which houses we delivered to, and which ones we skipped.  I didn’t know that he knew that route until the first time a customer cancelled their delivery.  I was walking past their house, but Toby turned up their driveway.  He knew that we normally delivered there.  I called him back, and laughed out loud at how smart that dog was.  He remembered the next week.  When we got to that house, he just walked past.

Give what you want to receive

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We have talked lots of times about giving the gifts you want to receive, but it occurred to me that it applies to more than just material things.    The same principle applies to how you treat other people.

Everyone likes to receive compliments, but how often to we pay compliments to the people around us?  The next time you’re feeling down on yourself, try complimenting someone else.  Tell a friend why they are a good friend.  Tell a co-worker why they’re good at their job.  Compliment someone you barely know, or don’t know at all, on their clothing.  You’ll find that when you compliment other people, you feel better about yourself.

Unfortunately, society often tries to teach us that we’re not supposed to talk about our feelings, or share our emotions with others.  It’s too bad that other people’s insecurity leads to this type of thinking.  If we were all more honest with each other about what we feel, the world would be a better place.  We could solve our conflicts instead of pretending they don’t exist.  And we would say positive things to the people that we care about.

For the next week, try saying at least one complimentary thing to a different person every day.  See how much better you feel when you do it.

Your body

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When you were little, whenever I took you grocery shopping with me, I would show you the magazines on display, and I would say “Look at the pictures of these women.  These are all fake.”  I started telling you this when you were far too young to have any idea what I was talking about, but it still seemed important enough to me to start telling you as soon as I could.

Women are taught to hate their bodies.  Too fat, too pale, hair too straight, hair too curly.  Why are all the women on the magazine covers airbrushed?  It doesn’t matter what her body really looks like, they won’t show it to us in its real form.

What message is this sending?  That no woman’s body is good enough.  That even the supermodels have flaws that should be changed; that should be hidden from us.  So if the supermodel isn’t good enough, how are you supposed to feel good about your own body?  How are you supposed to look in the mirror, and see your flaws, and still know that you look good?

The next time you’re at school, or in any other public place, look around at the girls there.  Really look at what they look like.  Notice their flaws, but also what looks good about them.  This is what real people look like.  Real people don’t look like the people on tv, and they certainly don’t look like the people on the magazine covers.  They don’t look like the Hollywood actresses with their eating disorders.  They look like the people you see every day.

Can you see how we’re being manipulated?  Can you see how they get us to buy what they’re selling?  As long as we feel bad about ourselves, we will buy whatever they’re trying to sell us, whether it’s beauty products or TV shows.  We’ll spend our money to try to look like the people they show us, and we’ll never accomplish that, because what they’re showing us is fake.

I know it’s hard when we’re constantly bombarded by these fake images.  And it makes it even harder that most of the people around us have all been duped by them.  Just try to take a step back from what you’re being told and what you’re being shown, and really look at yourself.  You don’t look perfect.  No one does.  But that doesn’t mean you aren’t beautiful in your own, flawed, imperfect, real way.  Learn to see your beauty, even with your flaws.